Everything I Know About Twilight, I Learned from the Hype



Note: The following post is a spoof of this very funny article

I have not read Twilight. I may read it one day (not really), but that day is not today. Today I’m reading other, better things.

I have a rather vague idea of what Twilight is about, just by hearing and reading the tiny nuggets of information that pop up everywhere. It’s kinda hard to avoid the hype. It’s all over the place – from the internet to magazine covers. If you step outside right now, you’ll probably hear a small voice whisper, “Edward is so cute.”

That voice belongs to a gossipy, well-read grapevine.

So I’m not completely Twilight ignorant. But I may be severely misinformed. Without Googling a thing, here’s what I know about Twilight.

1. It’s a book. Or rather, a series of books.
2. Stephanie Meyer wrote them.
3. It’s also a movie. Or rather, a series of movies.
4. The main character is named Bella Swan. Poor girl. What were her parents thinking?
5. Another character is named Edward Cullen. He’s a vampire.
6. He’s also acutely anemic.
7. The story is “romantic” and “suspenseful”.
8. Then again, maybe it isn’t.
9. From what I’ve heard, Edward loves Bella. He wants to be near her.
10. Sadly, whenever he does get near her, he feels the urge to bite her in the neck.
11. Ouch.
12. This must be what people mean when they talk about “tough love” and “fatal attraction”.
13. Due to the precarious nature of their relationship, Edward and Bella can’t be together.
14. Which also means they both have lots of angst. Enough to drive them both batty.
15. Eventually, they can’t stand it any longer.
16. So Edward bites Bella and she dies and becomes a vampire. She then bites someone else who then bites someone else who…
17. The two of them finally manage to get hitched and live their undead lives happily ever after… biting people.
18. “Till death do us part” was not a part of their marriage vows.
19. Kristen Stewart plays Bella in the movies.
20. I bet she’s annoying. And very, very languid.
21. Robert Pattinson plays Edward. He looks thirsty all the time.
22. That’s probably a bad thing…
23. People keep saying Twilight is amazing, but they never explain why it’s amazing. Like I’m supposed to know.
24. The second book is called something, but I’m not sure what. Full Dark, No Stars?
25. No wait, that’s Stephen King.
26. Stephen King is creepy. He once said he had the heart of a little boy… in a jar on his desk.
27. Yuck.
28. From what I hear, the vampires in Twilight are sparkly and cute and angsty.
29. Wait, what?
30. I prefer my vampires to be bad and nasty. Like the ones in The Passage.
31. I also hear one of the characters is a werewolf.
32. I bet he’s sparkly and cute and angsty, too.
33. I think I’m gonna puke.
34. The third book is called Eclipse.
35. Just guessing here, but I think it’s about an astronomical object that’s temporarily obscured by passing into the shadow of another body.
36. Not sure what that has to do with vampires, wolf men, and Swans, but oh well…
37. Maybe – just maybe – it’s a vague reference to the fact that the main characters are “star-crossed” lovers.
38. I’m a genius for figuring that out.
39. The latest Twilight movie is being released this month.
40. A reboot of the Left Behind film franchise is also in the works.
41. I hope both movies get raptured.

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34 thoughts on “Everything I Know About Twilight, I Learned from the Hype”

  1. HA!!! That was brilliant! All that information is enough to make you puke, but then add the fact that people are standing in line at the theatre at TEN o’clock PM waiting for the show at MIDNIGHT is enough to make you fall over in shock or something… yeah, pretty disgusting.. Oh, well. My mom told me a rather good reason for why girls love it so much (don’t worry, she hasn’t seen it, just from what she has heard), and sadly it makes sense… although after reading how the story line goes, I’m not so sure that the reason is really what drives those girls (and, unfortunately, the guys) to go watch these movies……

  2. Very funny.

    One day (when I have the time and my stomach can stand it) I want to read Twilight mainly to document why I already detest the book from just the reviews. (And not just because vampires are bad.)

      1. The Botkin girl’s talk(s) on the books (and Jane Austen in the same breath) are very constructive. I had the opportunity to hear it earlier this year and got a lot out of it (even though I wasn’t interested in either book set anyway, and thus thought that the talk would be rhetorical–It wasn’t).

  3. Very nicely done Corey touche! I feel sorry for people who are addicted to the books and movies and I am not looking forward to the next hype of this series… every time a new movie is released we go through another three to six months of TWILIGHT obsession…I’ll just be glad when it’s all over.

    1. Thanks, Jessica! “Twilight obsession” is dangerous disease, frequently diagnosed in teen and pre-teen girls sporting “TEAM EDWARD” t-shirts who somehow find the notion of a bloodsucking boyfriend attractive. *cue swoon* ;)

  4. “From what I hear, the vampires in Twilight are sparkly and cute and angsty.” And those infected by the twilight bug are becoming the same way. Or… were they already like that and this is the outcome, the confirmation of our young gone mad? I’m glad your head has been screwed on straight. Thanks be to God for that!

  5. That was absolutely hilarious, you summed up all I really know about the franchise. My older sister read the first book while house sitting out of curiosity and said that it was surprisingly clean but also really stupid.

    Anyway, great article, I laughed while reading it out loud to my brother. Thanks for posting.

  6. Too funny! I have no desire to read the books; however, I ashamedly admit I’ve seen the movies. It was during a week of insomnia, and I was truly hoping they’d put me to sleep. :) Really, they were pretty awful to watch. I wouldn’t want to waste another sleepless night on them. Thanks for the giggle. Happy Wednesday!

    1. *winces* I bet they were awful. You have my sympathy. :) We’ve actually done that a couple times ourselves – we couldn’t go to sleep, so we watched what turned out to be a horrendously bad movie instead. Sometimes staring at the wall is more interesting. ;)

  7. Yep, I feel like a rugged Twilight veteran just from all that I’ve heard about ’em. I also read the Hunger Games article, and man, that was good. My two favorites:

    29. Katniss is not the girl with the dragon tattoo, though I bet they’re friends and hang out and watch movies and stuff.

    YES.

    32. The evil people are probably wealthy and male. And white. And older. And say things like, “My, my, my…look what the Kat dragged in.”

    YES YES.

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