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Everything I Know About Twilight, I Learned from the Hype



Note: The following post is a spoof of this very funny article

I have not read Twilight. I may read it one day (not really), but that day is not today. Today I’m reading other, better things.

I have a rather vague idea of what Twilight is about, just by hearing and reading the tiny nuggets of information that pop up everywhere. It’s kinda hard to avoid the hype. It’s all over the place – from the internet to magazine covers. If you step outside right now, you’ll probably hear a small voice whisper, “Edward is so cute.”

That voice belongs to a gossipy, well-read grapevine.

So I’m not completely Twilight ignorant. But I may be severely misinformed. Without Googling a thing, here’s what I know about Twilight.

1. It’s a book. Or rather, a series of books.
2. Stephanie Meyer wrote them.
3. It’s also a movie. Or rather, a series of movies.
4. The main character is named Bella Swan. Poor girl. What were her parents thinking?
5. Another character is named Edward Cullen. He’s a vampire.
6. He’s also acutely anemic.
7. The story is “romantic” and “suspenseful”.
8. Then again, maybe it isn’t.
9. From what I’ve heard, Edward loves Bella. He wants to be near her.
10. Sadly, whenever he does get near her, he feels the urge to bite her in the neck.
11. Ouch.
12. This must be what people mean when they talk about “tough love” and “fatal attraction”.
13. Due to the precarious nature of their relationship, Edward and Bella can’t be together.
14. Which also means they both have lots of angst. Enough to drive them both batty.
15. Eventually, they can’t stand it any longer.
16. So Edward bites Bella and she dies and becomes a vampire. She then bites someone else who then bites someone else who…
17. The two of them finally manage to get hitched and live their undead lives happily ever after… biting people.
18. “Till death do us part” was not a part of their marriage vows.
19. Kristen Stewart plays Bella in the movies.
20. I bet she’s annoying. And very, very languid.
21. Robert Pattinson plays Edward. He looks thirsty all the time.
22. That’s probably a bad thing…
23. People keep saying Twilight is amazing, but they never explain why it’s amazing. Like I’m supposed to know.
24. The second book is called something, but I’m not sure what. Full Dark, No Stars?
25. No wait, that’s Stephen King.
26. Stephen King is creepy. He once said he had the heart of a little boy… in a jar on his desk.
27. Yuck.
28. From what I hear, the vampires in Twilight are sparkly and cute and angsty.
29. Wait, what?
30. I prefer my vampires to be bad and nasty. Like the ones in The Passage.
31. I also hear one of the characters is a werewolf.
32. I bet he’s sparkly and cute and angsty, too.
33. I think I’m gonna puke.
34. The third book is called Eclipse.
35. Just guessing here, but I think it’s about an astronomical object that’s temporarily obscured by passing into the shadow of another body.
36. Not sure what that has to do with vampires, wolf men, and Swans, but oh well…
37. Maybe – just maybe – it’s a vague reference to the fact that the main characters are “star-crossed” lovers.
38. I’m a genius for figuring that out.
39. The latest Twilight movie is being released this month.
40. A reboot of the Left Behind film franchise is also in the works.
41. I hope both movies get raptured.