Talking Back

As of June, high school officially ended for me. I am graduated. Gradumacated. One of the Alumni. Which sounds far more sophisticated than it actually is. (All it means, so far as I can tell, is that you managed to get through twelve grades without screwing up. High five.)

I take a step back, get a look at the past four years. Reminiscence. I can see my fourteen-year-old brain making calculations: only four more years. Only four more years and I’ll be done. Adolescent folly. I was stupid back then. Still am, just in different ways.

If you had asked me what I meant by done I probably couldn’t have told you; not precisely anyway. I had the vague notion that school was an adversary, pinioning my arms behind my back. Once I completed the obligatory twelve years, I’d be free. Free to do the Real Stuff. College, a job, a family, the works. I could, in effect, “get on with life.”

Get on with life? Get on with life? Look around you, fool. This is life.

I think it would amusing to encounter my younger self and give him – me – a talking to. Maybe in a restaurant over eggs and coffee, like in Looper. I would take aim and fire, but with words, not a gun. I’d point out the wrongness of that thinking, the wastefulness of it, the ingratitude the seeps from it like bog water.

looper

Pause in your consideration of the lilies and consider yourself for one moment. You have been blessed to grow up in a faithful covenant home, a home where your education is as much a matter of the heart as of the head. You have been given an opportunity, by God’s grace, to grow and to learn and to expand your tiny horizons. And here you stand, a gripe on your lips. Your education is not a ball-and-chain – it’s a springboard. Onward and upward. Be thankful for it. Take advantage of it.

You are discontent. You greedily anticipate the next stage in life, the one where you’re no longer a high schooler. But do you think this discontent will fix itself when college comes around? It won’t. You’ll spend four years in college wanting to be finished with college. A vicious cycle, we call it. It won’t stop with marriage. It surely won’t stop with children. It won’t stop with the career you’ve always wanted, nor with a fat retirement check. On the contrary: the cycle will only spin faster.

Repent. You don’t want a monster like that on your hands. Put a gun to its head and pull the trigger, kid. Put yourself out of its misery. You need help, so pray to the only One who can give it.

I can’t step back in time and give myself this advice. I can only be thankful that God has opened my eyes to its truth; that He has given me a deeper thankfulness for where His providence has placed me, in the here and in the now. Present tense.

It isn’t finished, of course. I will struggle with this again and again, no matter how candles are planted atop my birthday cake. The beast won’t die this side of Glory. But knowing what I’m up against is half the battle – and I’m not going it alone.

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10 thoughts on “Talking Back”

  1. Good stuff. Really good stuff. However unfortunately, I don’t think any kid in their right mind realizes how simple school life is till they’ve left it. No matter how often you’re told, you would still believe school to be a prison. You never realize what you’ve got till it’s gone.

  2. Congrats on graduating. We never really take each period in our life for what it is, and I wish I could go back and redo that.

    Where do you plan to go next?

  3. Thank you sharing this, Corey. Beautifully written and so true. It is such an inherent struggle within all of us to constantly be looking ahead, instead of truly appreciating and embracing our life in the here and now. And no, you are definitely not alone.

  4. What Bushmaid said. :)

    I tell people that I’m ‘technically’ graduated, just because I don’t feel like explaining that I’m not. Never will. Don’t want to be. In some ways I may have moved on, yes, but again– that’s just life, I’m not doing it because I’m at a certain age where that must happen.

    And would I go back and give myself a talking to? Yeah, sure, you betcha!

  5. I am a year on from graduation and taking a journalism course.
    I have definitely learned that life is not all sunshine and roses.
    I think you’re gonna be ok, man. You’ve got an amazing attitude and you’re gonna turn out fine. You already are fine.
    I’m not saying this right. I can only congratulate you on being an awesome person and hope that you read what I mean and not what I say :)
    Also, thanks for your comment on my blog!

  6. Very well said, and I must confess, I can look back and see that same attitude too many times to count in my own life. I can’t wait until I get married. I cant wait until I have children. I can’t wait until they sleep through the night. I can’t wait until they are potty trained. I can’t wait until they are old enough to be left without a babysitter. I can’t wait…I can’t wait…I can’t wait!!! Ahhh. Now, with 4? candles on my cake, I find myself saying, I wish it was my wedding day. I wish I was still pregnant with R. I wish they were still nursing…….I wish…I wish…I wish. Discontentment has been an ugly beast that has reared its head more just when I think I’ve conquered it. You said it best – not on this side of Glory. What a beautiful thing that you realize this battle early in life. It may not be conquered, but at least you’ll be able to realize what you’re battling sooner than some of us old geezers!! Congrats on graduating and looking forward to see where GOD leads you!!

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