Return of the… Ink?

Regular and not-so-regular readers of this blog may or may not have noticed that it has maintained a (rather abnormal) radio silence for the past week or so. Lest you think I was playing hooky, I assure you that there is a satifactory explanation:

A zombie uprising struck my hometown, resulting in massive destruction, a power outage, and 8 days of fierce urban combat. My previously-written paper on how to prepare for such an event came in handy, and in the end, the living triumphed through
determination and, er, superior brain power.

Our desperate, no-holds-bar fighting tactics also helped. The undead were dispatched by bullet, blade, fire, and squirt gun. I killed two with a fountain pen and brained another with my copy of Strong’s
Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible.

Grisly stuff, to be sure. But you’ve really no idea how hard it
is to kill someone who is, technically speaking, already dead.

*cough cough*

I fib, says you. Correct, says I.

The real, true, honest-to-goodness reason for my absence is more simple but equally chilling: I travelled to Utah. Salt Lake City, to be exact. Otherwise known as “Mormonville” and “Smithtopia”. I may not have encountered zombies per se, but the place was literally crawling with people dead in trespasses and sins.

(If you’re curious about why I visited this place, click here… then here for an update.)

For my part, here are a few facts you may or may not have known about SLC:

  • the people of there seldom smile. As far as I could tell during my weeklong visit, they try to outdo each other with the dour looks. I think a hearty dose of Wodehouse is in order.
  • the city is home to one of the best restaurants on the planet in the galaxy: the Ruby River Steakhouse. (The food is rather pricey, but for a once-in-a-while treat, it’s hard to beat.) Among other dishes, there’s “the Oscar” – a choice steak grilled to perfection, then topped with snow crab meat, asparagus, and a special Bernaise sauce. And it’s every bit as good as it sounds.
  • it’s set up on a grid system… which means that the addresses are sorta wierd. You won’t find anything like 720 Gateway Center Drive there, but you will find plenty similar to this one: 2185 West 2200 South.

And finally, just as a random thought, I would imagine suicide attempts in Salt Lake are rather rare. It’s hard to drown yourself when all that salt keeps you bobbing back to the surface.


15 thoughts on “Return of the… Ink?”

  1. Okay, you almost had me worried (well, okay, psyched) that the zombie apocalypse had started. I knew the CDC wasn’t joking! :-)

    Good to see you back.

  2. Glad you’re back.

    Heavy theology books would make great weapons. I also think it’s called an exhaustive concordance because you get exhausted when you pick it up.

    1. You’re right, they make great weapons. During a fight, a friend of mine threw Charnock’s “The Existence & Attributes of God” at one zombie’s head – you can the mess it made when it hit. :)

  3. “…the place was literally crawling with people dead in trespasses and sins.” As opposed to, say, New Mexico???

    There is a pretty impressive pagan temple there, though. Puts the ones here to greater shame. Or lesser…depending on your perspective.

    1. SLC certainly isn’t unique in that regard: the living dead are everywhere. For some reason though, during my visit to that city, I was even more acutely aware of them than usual.

      You’re right: the temple is amazing. Such a shame that it was erected in honor of a cult.

  4. Too funny, especially the squirt gun and fountain pen. Now, the braining incident sounds a bit more serious but not as grisly as killing the dead. Shudder! I’m glad for the salt, though. Once dead and twice born is so much better than once born and twice dead. But it’s a bit late and I’m quite out of my head. :-) Good to have you back!!

  5. Yup, I was wondering why you weren’t posting, but I (unfortunately) hadn’t had much time to read other blogs, so I didn’t even see your mom’s posts about you going away! Oops!

    Ok, Zombie attack? C’mon… That is almost as bad as ‘Cowboys vs. Aliens’…. ;) :D Fountain pen? Does that come from Bourne or something..?? lol!! Ha, actually this post gave me a good chuckle. The story, any how. Salt Lake City doesn’t sound like too good of a place, though!

    Oh, and if you want to use up some of that ammo, you can come take care of a few *ahem* coyotes that are getting a bit bold (bold enough to be in our back yard in broad daylight!). yeah.

    Glad to have you back…. and I think I just set the worl record for longest comment ever… ha!

    1. “Fountain pen? Does that come from Bourne or something..??

      Good thought, though it actually has to do with the fact that I, as an aspiring writer, am naturally inclined to do battle with writing instruments. :)

      And if you remember, Bourne took his opponant out with a ball-point pen, while I took mine out with a fountain pen. I prefer to kill with style. ;)

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